Resources for Parents and Girls
Little Girls Can Be Mean by: Michelle Anthony & Reyna Lindert Synopsis on Amazon about book. You can click the title of book above and it will take you there.
Worried about mean girls? Help your daughter respond and react to bullying where it starts---in elementary school
As experts in developmental psychology and each a mother of three, Dr. Michelle Anthony and Dr. Reyna Lindert began noticing an alarming pattern of social struggle among girls as young as five, including their own daughters. In today's world, it is likely that your daughter has been faced with bullying and friendship issues, too---and perhaps you're at a loss for how to guide her through these situations effectively. Little Girls Can Be Mean is the first book to tackle the unique social struggles of elementary-aged girls, giving you the tools you need to help your daughter become stronger, happier, and better able to enjoy her friendships at school and beyond.
Dr. Anthony and Dr. Lindert offer an easy-to-follow, 4-step plan to help you become a problem-solving partner with your child, including tips and insights that girls can use on their own to confront social difficulties in an empowered way. Whether your daughter is just starting grade school or is already on her way to junior high, you'll learn how to:
OBSERVE the social situation with new eyes
CONNECT with your child in a new way
GUIDE your child with simple, compassionate strategies
SUPPORT your daughter to act more independently to face the social issue
By focusing squarely on the issues and needs of girls in the years before adolescence, Little Girls Can Be Mean is the essential, go-to guide for any parent or educator of girls in grades K-6.
Queen Bees and Wannabees by: Rosalind Wiseman
This is more for the middle school age, but just thought I would share.
http://www.amightygirl.com/
http://www.americangirl.com/shop/bookstore/advice-library
http://www.rachelsimmons.com/
http://booksthathealkids.blogspot.com/
Worried about mean girls? Help your daughter respond and react to bullying where it starts---in elementary school
As experts in developmental psychology and each a mother of three, Dr. Michelle Anthony and Dr. Reyna Lindert began noticing an alarming pattern of social struggle among girls as young as five, including their own daughters. In today's world, it is likely that your daughter has been faced with bullying and friendship issues, too---and perhaps you're at a loss for how to guide her through these situations effectively. Little Girls Can Be Mean is the first book to tackle the unique social struggles of elementary-aged girls, giving you the tools you need to help your daughter become stronger, happier, and better able to enjoy her friendships at school and beyond.
Dr. Anthony and Dr. Lindert offer an easy-to-follow, 4-step plan to help you become a problem-solving partner with your child, including tips and insights that girls can use on their own to confront social difficulties in an empowered way. Whether your daughter is just starting grade school or is already on her way to junior high, you'll learn how to:
OBSERVE the social situation with new eyes
CONNECT with your child in a new way
GUIDE your child with simple, compassionate strategies
SUPPORT your daughter to act more independently to face the social issue
By focusing squarely on the issues and needs of girls in the years before adolescence, Little Girls Can Be Mean is the essential, go-to guide for any parent or educator of girls in grades K-6.
Queen Bees and Wannabees by: Rosalind Wiseman
This is more for the middle school age, but just thought I would share.
http://www.amightygirl.com/
http://www.americangirl.com/shop/bookstore/advice-library
- I LOVE all the books in the "Advice Library' section of American Girl. They are fun books for the girl to work through with quizzes, questions, real situation examples, etc.
http://www.rachelsimmons.com/
- Rachel Simmons is an author, educator and coach helping girls and young women grow into authentic, emotionally intelligent and assertive adults.
http://booksthathealkids.blogspot.com/
- This website has a variety of books listed on a variety of topics.
- ALL of her books are wonderful!!
Little Girls Can Be Mean Book Study 2015
Weekly summaries by Jenni Beck, Becky Madras and Latasha Scott (Ray-Pec School Counselors)
Chapter 1
The Rise of Social Cruelty
Here we go on Week #1. This week we are reading Chapter 1. I read this book over the summer and I am excited to read it again, going through each chapter at a slower pace and discussing key points and thoughts. Below I have listed the key things that stood out to me and my reflection underneath.
pg. 4 “The longing to fit in and be part of something beyond themselves is not only a natural developmental drive but a necessary and even beneficial one. Our human need for connection is inherent, as is our need for food and water.”
This is important to remember; it is a human need to desire connection with others. This is exactly why it is so important we all work together to support our girls in finding their way to a healthy connection. The authors made the statement: They seek connections with friends at what might be described “any cost.” Since we know connection is a human need, girls will do whatever it takes to make that connection happen: “any cost.” What we know about the “any cost” is that it then becomes an unhealthy friendship with more struggles down the road. The “any cost” statement, could also mean girls are willing to participate in relational aggression behaviors because they have the desire to connect, NOT because they are “mean girls.” Understanding this “why” behind the behaviors helps us adults build empathy in order to work together to problem solve the situation the best way can.
pg. 6 Relational aggression includes acts such as: silent treatment, exclusion, backstabbing, rumor spreading, and other such behaviors.
pg. 7 Relational aggression are behaviors that harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.
These are good examples of relational aggression and as you can imagine or maybe remember, can be very hurtful to girls. Just as I discussed above, we have a need for connection, so when that is threatened in any way, girls may resort to the above acts. Or they may be the recipient of the above acts. It is important that we recognize relational aggression and support girls when these acts occur because they are just as hurtful and perhaps even more hurtful than physical aggression.
pg. 7 The question about Anaya: “Is she a “mean girl” for not thinking of excluded girls? No, she is a normal, healthy, typical five-year-old girl trying to navigate the social waters of school life.
Great point made here. She isn’t a mean girl because she engaged in this situation with her peer group, she is just trying to navigate the tricky social waters. She is trying to find her way, the best she knows how. This is a great example of why I hope this book helps everyone form a plan and action to help their daughter realize what is going on, so they feel empowered. I love being at the elementary level because we have an awesome opportunity to intervene early and help the girls see a different way.
pg. 9 “Being excluded has a powerful impact on children.”
There are times in the school year where I work with girls who are feeling excluded and left out because their friend has told them they just want to play with someone else by themselves. The second the other student hears this, they immediately feel the exclusion. When I talk with the girls, I remind them that if they want to play “by themselves with another girl and not include others” that would be good for a play date after school or on the weekends. At school, when we are all together at recess, we have to remember to include everyone. I know that typically, the girls who are saying they want to play by themselves with one other friend aren’t trying to be mean. They simply just want their friend time. However, school and recess aren't the best times to create that opportunity, because then it would be at the cost of excluding others which greatly impacts children.
pg. 12 “...what do you do when the bully is your best friend?”
Wow! What a great question and something to think about. Hopefully the four steps you will learn more about in this book will help with navigating this situation in an empowering way that preserves the friendship.
pg. 13 “Yo-yo friendships - relationships where a young girl’s closest friend is often cruel or exclusionary one day, and again best friends with her the next, yo-yoing her back and forth and leaving her in a swirl of confusing emotions.”
This is a great description of a situation that girls face sometimes. I like there is a term for it, whenever there is a common language, it helps make the conversation more beneficial because there is a shared understanding of what is being discussed.
pg. 16 “Little Girls Can Be Mean is driven by the belief that children learn best in meaningful interactions with those they trust. You will learn how to observe (Step 1), connect (Step 2), guide (Step 3), and support your girls to act (Step 4) in various social circumstances.”
And this is why I love this book...it is based on the belief that children learn best in meaningful situations with those they trust. The trust and connection have to be there, in order for change and understanding to take place. The book will go in depth describing each step and will walk through various situations to practice applying these steps. Practice, practice, practice! We know practice is the only way our brain can remember to do things on it’s own and it becomes second nature to us.
pgs. 18 and 19 "Tips for Girls" box: Create a Journal
These boxes are meant for the girls, of course, you can also choose to read them to your daughter or talk about the activities with her. I hope you take the time to utilize these great opportunities to connect with your daughter in a meaningful way. The first activity invites the girls to create journal that is meant to be a safe space to think, draw, and write. It will give the girls some private space to organize their thoughts and will be a great way to reflect on how they thinking has grown or changed. It encourages the girls to decorate it with pictures or words of things they love and that help them feel great about themselves.
~Mrs. Beck - school counselor at Raymore Elementary
Chapter 2
How Can I Help My Daughter or Student?
Week 2 already! I really like this chapter because it goes through the steps to take when helping the girls through a social problem The great thing is that it is laid out systematically so the plan can be used in any situation. The more it is used the easier it will become and eventually just becomes a natural reaction.
p. 29 "...you can try to spare your child the natural struggles in life, by trying to (over)protect her from every little thing, or you can work to prepare her for them."
I love this statement. Often our first reaction is to take care of the kids and since they don't know what to do, we just want to solve their problem so they aren't upset anymore. It's so important to teach them instead since there won't always be a grownup to fix it for them.
The Four-Step Plan
p. 32 Step 1: Observe
Observing begins even before a problem arises. The book stresses that it is important to begin observing the girls when they are interacting with peers or even just telling us about their day so that we have a baseline to begin with. We can observe the language she uses and her expressions so that we know something is off when a problem occurs.
p. 33 "...observing is the ability to "hear" what your child has not directly told you."
If we know how they react in an everyday situation we will be more likely to pick up when her mannerisms, language, or moods change. It makes it easier to "hear" when there is a problem.
p. 34 Step 2: Connect
The books tells us that the best time to connect is before a situation occurs. Even little changes such as asking questions about the day's social interactions instead of "How was your day?" can bring insights into the girls' lives.
p. 36 "To take advantage of Active Listening, restate a condensed version of what you have heard your child say...without adding your own judgments or introducing new ideas."
Active Listening is a skill that they teach in counseling programs. It is a good way to make sure we have understanding of what the girls are trying to say, but it also helps the girls hear their own ideas said back to them. It takes some practice to not add your own ideas, but it is a powerful tool that lets the girls know you area actually listening and hearing what they are saying.
p. 40 Step 3 : Guide
This step seems to be the most empowering step to me. It allows the girls to brainstorm and come up with solutions to their own problems. I love that Step 3 gives the power back to the girl instead of having the adults fix the problem. The more times they are given the opportunity to think through solutions, the more solutions they should be able to come up with!
p. 44 Step 4: Support to Act "The goal here is to engage in a dialogue about the pros and cons of various possible actions..."
The girls are given the chance to review all their brainstorming ideas in this step. She gets to choose her own solution that she can be comfortable with. How empowering for the girls to be able to create their own path!
p. 47 Role-Playing
I love that the book includes role-playing as part of their plan! Sometimes we forget that the girls may not have the words to fix their problems or have never been in a very uncomfortable situation with a friend. Role-playing gives the girls a chance to hear their words out loud before they have the difficult task of confronting a peer. Practice makes perfect!
~Miss Madras - school counselor at Shull Elementary
Chapter 3
Think, Share, Do... Activity Bank for Part I
In this chapter the authors provide specific ways in which you can and should use the four steps that were introduced in Chapter 2 to work with your daughter. It is noted that the goal is to establish rapport and a feeling of safety and comfort with your daughter. By utilized the four steps and some of the ideas/suggestions mentioned in this chapter the comfort level will increase when discussing issues such as social struggles, relational aggression, and girl bullying. This should, in turn, increase your daughters willingness to discuss these issues with you and you will have the confidence in knowing how to help her handle these struggles.
Observe
Page 56: "The more information you have about your child and how she functions as a social being in the world, the more you can build off the skill set she possesses.
When I know that I will have multiple or long term interactions with students I always make sure I visit them in various environments throughout the school to observe how they act/react in certain situations. This helps me to identify ways in which I can assist them with their goals in school. Before parents are able to help teach girls how to deal with social frustrations it is important for them to do the same. Observations can help provide information that may not otherwise be shared by children and the information gathered can be very useful in helping to identify strategies that will be beneficial for the girls to use when they find themselves in the midst of social struggles.
Connect
Page 58: "An important part of connecting with your child is to see the world from her perspective."
When working on making a connection with children we have to live in their world for a moment. This includes engaging in the things that they enjoy doing so that we can observe what makes them laugh, smile, and feel happy as well as what makes them cry, become angry, and feel sad. Participating in your child's world will also give you insight on how she thinks and ways that she deals with things.
Page 61: "...make an effort to observe and connect by acknowledging and admiring some of your daughter's skills."
The authors mention this as a way to connect with your daughter, and I also think it will help with ensuring positive self esteem and self confidence.
Guide
Page 62: ..."for every one struggle you and your child identify, you will want to help her also find two successes. It is important that she sees herself as capable and competent..."
This is a very important statement made by the authors that I think everyone should remember. We often times want to point out the things that need to be worked on, not in an attempt to put others down, but in an attempt to help them improve. What we have to remember when working with children is that due to the lack of a fully developed brain when we make statements pertaining to their struggles often times all they hear is "you're a failure." This is because we fail to provide them with more successes than struggles. We must remember when guiding our girls to making healthy decisions that we must provide them with the affirmation that we see their successes more than their struggles. This will, in turn help with their self-confidence, and self-esteem.
Support To Act
Page 68: "One way to support your child's ability to navigate social situations is to build up her developing sense of empathy for others.
The authors point out that this should be done in a way that shows support to the girls helping them find ways to modify some of her ideas and thinking to find a middle ground. Teaching girls about empathy doesn't have to mean that we are negating their ideas and suggestions, however. It should actually help teach them to stand up for their ideas and suggestions while also understanding and realizing the passion and care that others may have for their ideas and suggestions. When teaching girls about empathy we are providing them with a skill that will be beneficial in helping them deal with frustrating social situations for a lifetime.
~Mrs. Robinson - school counselor at Peculiar Elementary
Chapter 4
Part II
The Heart of the Matter: Applying the Four Steps to Real Situations Faced by Real Girls
Chapter 4: Side by Side: Best Friends, Worst Enemies
pg. 78 Footnote - Each story tells a specific tale, but it was chosen for its general theme, which is commonly experienced by girls this age. Each identifies universal strategies regardless of how individual situations may differ.
This is my favorite section of the book. As the above footnote describes, it gives examples of common friendship struggles and walks through the four steps of observing, connecting, guiding and supporting. I always learn best when I have examples.
pg. 78 Best friend relationships - often a girl’s entire mood or sense of place in the world is influenced (for good and bad) by the way she feels about her closest friendships. The gift of these close friendships is that the provide tremendous support to your child. The liability is that girls are often cruelest (intentionally and accidentally) to their best friends. ...while we don’t recommend you get mired in that worried place with her, we do recommend you treat her best friend concerns as legitimate. Because, in her world, they are.
I’m sure many of us can relate to this as we reflect on our own personal friendships over the years. Friends are very important to people, we are meant to feel connected to others. In the next examples in the book, you will see how we can help treat the girls’ best friends concerns as legitimate by applying the four steps.
pg. 79 Story - Dealing with a Turf War
This story highlights the struggles children go through when a “simple” friendship fight turns into a turf war between best friends.
pg. 79 Best friend friendship gone awry - a small problem that quickly gets bigger to the point that other kids are caught in the mix.
pg. 79 ..I had much more fun because all they were doing was digging their name with their finger in the dirt. But I still felt really bad because Rachel stole all the friends and let them be in the club but not me.
This statement reminded me that it isn’t about the activity the girls are worried about. As she stated, she had much more fun at what she was playing, but more importantly she was really hurt because she couldn’t be in the “club.” It wasn’t that she wanted to necessarily do what they were doing, but she wanted to feel included.
pg. 81 When our friends treat us badly, we need to stand up for ourselves. Sometimes the outcome is good, sometimes it is not, but either way, we are worthy of respect.
I want to write this in BIG BOLD letters in my room, in the hallways, in the classrooms. What a wonderful reminder for everyone. We need to stand up for ourselves, it may not turn out as we hoped, but we are all worthy of respect. I love this!!!
pg. 82 When girls are well versed in the four steps, they are often able to actualize them on their own, even at a very young age.
Yay!!! The four steps not only helps us as the adults helping, but helps the girls when we aren’t around.
pg. 85 Identify the instigating factor: ...your goal is not to make your own child feel bad, but rather to help her reflect back on a situation that could have been handled differently, with a possibly different outcome.
This is a great opportunity to help build empathy and teach about understanding different perspectives. As stated above, it’s important to still point out that it was not okay how Rachel handled her upset, she could have handled it differently. We use the brain state model of Conscious Discipline to help with this. (click here if you want to learn more about the brain states and click here if you want to go the parent section of the website). In this situation, Rachel was in her Limbic System, the emotional state. When we aren’t in our Prefrontal Lobes, are executive state, we aren’t thinking clearly. Here Rachel (in her emotional state) reacted by excluding her friend when she was mad at her, instead of waiting until she was calm (in her executive state) to respond consciously. In this case, helping Maya understand this could help her realize it wasn’t “about her directly,” it was Rachel being upset that she didn’t have the ability to do something and then reacting to that feeling.
pg. 88 Tips for Girls
Don’t forget to let your daughter read these boxes throughout the book. It could be a great way to connect with her too. The two of you could also read through the examples and talk about what happened and how the characters in the story handled the situation.
pg. 93
Story: When Best Friends Pull Away
This story highlights the struggles children go through when a best friend moves away from the intensity of the friendship.
pgs. 94 & 95 Girls in the early school-age years are just learning how to make and keep sustained friendships. While certain girls will “click” and become “best friends,” most children this age want and need to experience multiple, less intimate friendships. It is very difficult for a child to invest heavily in more than one deep friendship at a time. Often, in order for one to make new friends, she has to first pull away from her close relationship with another, at least temporarily.
This is a good reminder and could be used as a good conversation with the girls.
pg. 105 Story: Yo-Yo Friendships
This story highlights the struggles children go through when they are trapped in yo-yo friendships, where their closest friends do very hurtful things but then balance this out with doing very loving and supportive things.
pg. 112 If you move too quickly from observing to guiding, you lose the necessary connection that allows you to guide your child as part of a team.
pg. 113 ..guide your child to recognize the two side of her friendship - the side that feels really good, and the side that feels really awful (think about making a list of each).
I liked this idea the book suggestion. I can see how this would be helpful in helping the girls identifying on their own that the friendship has some serious limitations.
pg .121 Give your daughter permission to blame the break in the friendship on you. Such as: “I’m sorry I can’t come over today, my mom says I have to practice my piano.”
I remember my mom giving me permission to do this and it was a very helpful tool at times. Being assertive is always an important thing to do, but there are times and certain situations where even the most confident girl struggles with this. This tool is helpful to fall back on when the girl wants to do the right thing, but is struggling with the right words.
~Jenni Beck
Chapter 5
Chapter 5 - Going Along with the Gang
p. 124 Often, within a group, girls are asked to take sides in various arguments, informally determine group leadership, and show loyalty to the group above any individual member.
Everyone wants to belong in a group! Elementary students are just beginning to figure out how to be a part of groups. The girls are still working to discover where they fit in, how to interact, and how to handle conflict. This section is so helpful by giving every day examples of situations younger girls face every day!
When Girls Struggle to Fit In
p. 127 Thus, for the first time, Amelia realizes that she can be an accepted or rejected member of her school community.
I love the reminders in this section about how something as seemingly simple as a Crazy Sock Day can be SO IMPORTANT to the girls! The tips about using the Four Steps to discover the real reason behind her feelings would help the grown up to help the child.
p. 133 Scale the worry down to size.
Some good tips in this section! It's important to help the girls to see the bigger picture and hopefully realize that some worries seem bigger than they actually are. The mismatched barrettes tip box for the girls is a great place to start! It would be helpful to practice thinking "who cares" before a situation arises that gets blown out of proportion.
When Girls Struggle with Feeling "Different"
p. 139 ...the plunge from complete confidence to total despair, from a sense of pride to one of humiliation, from feeling competent to feeling inept. And there is no more certain cause than what your child perceives as a judgment from a friend or an exclusion from a group.
It's so important for girls this age to "fit in" or feel a part of the group. I love the way the book explains the sudden change girls feel. They stress that it happens when the child PERCEIVES a slight. Maybe that wasn't what happened at all, but if the perception is there, it's very difficult to overcome the feelings of rejection.
p. 142 Depersonalize the situation and present alternative perspectives.
The book says to try to help the girls see that there are other reasons why the slight may have happened. I think it's also important to depersonalize the situation for ourselves. It is easy to get caught up in trying to teach kids that everyone is different and we need to respect those differences, but it's also important that the girls learn how to deal with their differences themselves.
When Girls Struggle with Going Along with the Group
p. 151 Around third grade, all children long to be a part of something bigger than themselves, and they want to do it with friends.
Everyone wants to belong, This can lead to a lot of good things like having people to support us all the time, but it comes with some drama sometimes when it becomes an issue going against the group or wanting to change "the rules".
p. 154 While standing one's ground is risky...the benefits of building this type of "backbone" during elementary school are immense.
It's hard to stand your ground against a group! Developing those skills in the girls early will help them later when even bigger issues present themselves. Page 157 gives a good example of dialogue to use to help encourage that behavior. And practice, practice, practice! Practicing using assertive words before there is an issue helps when there actually is a time to use assertiveness!
When the Group Turns Against Your Child
p. 166 Foresight is 20/20
Knowing your child's social stories can help you to have open, frank discussions with her about group dynamics if you notice a problem arising. It's often easier for grown ups to see or sense an issue than the children because we have experienced or seen it happen before.
p. 172-176 Support to Act
I love all the suggestions given about what to do to help the girls to choose whether to stay or move on. It's hard to see anyone shut out of their group, but helping her to find the power and gain the knowledge that the next move is HER choice is empowering even for the adult!
~Becky Madras - school counselor at Shull Elementary
Chapter 6
This chapter is full of scenarios and examples of potential issues/conflicts that school-aged girls face. With these examples the book discusses how to use the Four Steps to help girls face these conflicts and begin the process of resolution. I will use the first example to discuss how the four steps can be used. It is important to note that this chapter emphases that we must recognize that all girls can be mean, not all girls are mean. As adults who are guiding these girls when we do recognize a girl that has done mean things that we don't automatically equate that with labeling her as a bully, but that we work with her to teach her the skills that will help her successfully express herself in an assertive manner.
Pg. 179 - "The goal is to help your daughter find a way to be both kind and tough at the same time - to be assertive. Being assertive means being sweet and considerate mixed with being tough and determined."
Teaching girls to be assertive instead of mean is very important when teaching them about how to deal with conflicts with other girls. Often times they want to just stand up for themselves but because they have not been guided on what that looks in an assertive and not an aggressive manner they often rely on their first instinct which is inadvertently some form of aggression. It is our job as adults to help them distinguish between the two so that they don't come off as the "mean girl" when they are simply trying to stand up for themselves.
Applying the Four Steps:
Observe - Pg. 184 - "Having a more comprehensive view of the situation would have helped him find the best means to connect, and the most appropriate ways to guide and support..."
When we are preparing to use the four steps to guide girls in resolving their conflicts with others it is always important that we take the time to observe the situation fully and completely. This includes actively listening, finding out about active role she played, noticing how they interact with others, and thinking about other aspects of her life that could affect her current feelings and actions. As noted at the beginning of the book when we take the time to step back and observe we allow ourselves to gather important information that can assist in helping girls with their conflicts.
Connect: Pg. 185-186 - "Celebrate the connection you have... but make it stronger."
Talking with others about how happy you are that you have a wonderful connection with them will make them feel understood and comfortable. Making connections with girls (and boys for that matter) help them open up more about what they are dealing with and provide you with more information and insight into how they are feeling and what would be the best way you could help them. When you have a strong connection with your daughters they open up and allow you more of an opportunity to work with them on facing difficult issues that they face. It is important not to become complacent with the connection that you do have however, even if it is a strong one. Making the connection stronger will be beneficial in helping your daughter learn how to come to you when the situation is "little" instead of when it gets "big." This, in turn, will help you to be able to help her rectify the situation before it becomes a "big deal."
Guide: Pg. 186 - "Don't forget the power of play in the lives of young children."
Using fantasy play with your daughters can prove to be very helpful in determining what is going on with them, what they are dealing with, and how they handle situations/conflicts. As a counselor I use fantasy play with children often because it is something that they are comfortable with and provides an easy way of expression for them. Sometimes direct interaction with deter girls from wanting to share their experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc., so my engaging in play with them you help them feel more comfortable and willing to share information through role-play.
The Three R's:
Pg. 189-190 - Recognize, Be Responsible, Rectify:
One of the most important aspects of teaching girls how to solve their own issues and problems is teaching them how to identify their role in the situation. The book offers these three steps that girls should take when girls act meanly towards others (whether it be on purpose or unintentional). By having girls recognize their mistake we are teaching her to identify her role. By encouraging girls to be responsible for their actions we are helping them learn how to own up to their decisions and to avoid denying their role. By having girls rectify what they can we are teaching them to apologize for their actions, and listen to their friend's feelings. This last step is helpful when I statements are used because they provide key points of information to the other person about how they utilized the three R's to identify their role in the conflict and take responsibility for it.
Support to Act: Pg. 193 - "Help the girls explain to one another how they've been feeling. The goal is to encourage each girl to speak, and to be heard and respected by the other.
Once you get to Step Four you are ready to support your daughter with acting in a manner conducive to effectively addressing the conflict. There is a lot of preparation that can take place in order to support her during this step and we have to remember that it is important that we continue to have that connection and guidance that we have established and utilized with them once they get to this step.
~ Latasha Robinson - school counselor at Peculiar Elementary
Chapter 7 - Think, Share, Do Activity Bank for Part II
One of my favorite parts of this book are the activities the author's suggest to go along with each of the four steps.
I loved all the of the activities. Below are some additional thoughts I had regarding some of the activities shared.
Tips for Girls: Feeling Powerful (pgs. 230--231)
This box for the girls suggest they ask you to share a few stories written in the book where the power isn't equal. As you read the stories, I am sure they are thinking in their minds similar friendship situations they have encountered. Opening the discussion where they can identify unequal power in "fake" scenarios, will help them identify it in their own "real" situations.
Be a Fly on the Wall pg. 231
"The goal is not to interfere with your daughter's playdates or friendship experiences; it is simply to be present enough that you know the kids of things that go on in the individual or group dynamics. Observing in this way will give you invaluable information about your child, as well as about the children she chooses as friends."
You really can learn a lot from this strategy. I do this at school by observing group work during my classroom lessons, lunchroom activity, Specials, and recess. When a pair or group are having a hard time with one another, I observe for a bit to try to understand the dynamic so I can better help guide and support.
Valuing Persistence pg. 232-233
"Girls can sometimes feel like the world is ending when they suffer a social setback or a friendship failure."
This is so important to remember! Some adults may or may not be able to think back to when they were their daughter's age and how friendship problems felt like the end of the world, maybe for some they didn't view friendship problems like this at all. But, we have to remember when supporting the girls that we validate their concern and hear their concerns. I liked how in this activity it guides the adult to recognize this struggle with their daughter and remind them that these challenges are hard, but somehow people always get passed the challenges. It can help by reminding her of previous friendship struggles, how she handled them, and how it got resolved.
Bravery Book pg. 235-236
This is a great idea to help build up strength and self esteem in the girls. I loved the suggestion of asking your daughter about one brave thing she did today during dinner time. This helps her recognize the strength she has every day, so she can refer back to that strength when she doesn't feel like she has any left.
Identifying Manipulation in Yo-Yo Friendships pgs. 241- 243
This section gives helpful strategies in helping a girl who is stuck in the tricky situation of a Yo-Yo friendship.
Plan B pg. 244
I can see this being a useful part of a morning discussion during breakfast or in the car on the way to school. Help empower the girls to think of a second plan if something at recess doesn't feel right to the girls. Discussing this ahead of time will help her be more likely to carry it out if need be.
Empowering Ostracized Girls pgs. 248-249
Everyone has the need to feel connected. As the adults in the girls' lives we have to recognize when the girls feel alone and find opportunities for them to reconnect. This may mean planning family outings and letting her choose the plans. Or getting involved in an activity outside of school that helps her make new friends that don't necessarily go to school with her too.
Imagine the Worst pg. 249-250
"Sometimes girls are hesitant to act more bravely because they worry about the worst. Rather than try to convince your child otherwise, support her to think through, or act out , the worse case scenario."
Combating Loneliness pg. 252
"Stories are a powerful way to help girls connect to their emotions, talk about tough issues, and realize they are not alone. When girls identify with characters in novels, it provides the perfect framework to talk about issues, without having to take them so personally. "
~ Jenni Beck
Chapter 8 and Appendices
This is it! Last week of the book study. Thank you to everyone for choosing to make this journey with us and to commit to helping our girls to prepare for friendships and struggles rather than trying to spare them from the struggles.
Chapter 8 focuses on continued use of the Four Steps in helping your daughter to navigate the social waters as she grows older and encounters new and different friendship issues.
p. 256-257 The Difference Between "Younger" and "Older" Girls
Using the Four Steps will look a bit different with the younger (K-2) girls than with the older (grades 3+) girls. Younger girls tend to have hurt feelings due to ego-centrism and not yet knowing how to interact appropriately. They are still learning how to be social and need more guidance. The older girls are learning social manipulation and hurt feelings come from different places. Helping them to work in a group instead of always needing to lead the group will become more important.
p. 257-259 Not Racing to Grow Up
I feel like everyone has experienced at some point, either within themselves or seeing it with the kids, the desire to "grow up quickly." I really like this section as it gives tips on how to have a conversation with your daughter that does not dismiss that desire, but builds parameters that she can grow within.
p. 259-262 Facing All Kinds of Issues, Together
This section stresses the importance of continuing your work with the Four Steps as your daughter gets older and faces other, potentially bigger and more damaging, issues with friends or even within your family. The earlier we can begin to build those relationships with the girls, the easier it will be to help them through struggles as they get older.
Using the Four Steps will not automatically change your daughter's relationships, but continued use will give us the practice and consistency to help them to navigate any issues they might face as they grow up.
Appendix 1
This appendix is full of situations that are fairly common among girls trying to determine how to function as part of a group, It's important to think to ourselves and change the way we see bullying. We need to ask - Is it intentional? Does the target perceive the other participants to have more power than her? Is it repeated over time? Or is it a case of girls not understanding how to be in a group and they just need guidance?
Appendix 2
This appendix is great for using with your daughter to role-play situations that she might face at some point. What could she do? What words could she use? We work on using "I-statements" at school.
"I don't like it when you_____________. It makes me feel ___________. Next time please ______________."
It is a good activity to begin to have them express their feelings!
~Becky Madras - school counselor at Shull Elementary
The Rise of Social Cruelty
Here we go on Week #1. This week we are reading Chapter 1. I read this book over the summer and I am excited to read it again, going through each chapter at a slower pace and discussing key points and thoughts. Below I have listed the key things that stood out to me and my reflection underneath.
pg. 4 “The longing to fit in and be part of something beyond themselves is not only a natural developmental drive but a necessary and even beneficial one. Our human need for connection is inherent, as is our need for food and water.”
This is important to remember; it is a human need to desire connection with others. This is exactly why it is so important we all work together to support our girls in finding their way to a healthy connection. The authors made the statement: They seek connections with friends at what might be described “any cost.” Since we know connection is a human need, girls will do whatever it takes to make that connection happen: “any cost.” What we know about the “any cost” is that it then becomes an unhealthy friendship with more struggles down the road. The “any cost” statement, could also mean girls are willing to participate in relational aggression behaviors because they have the desire to connect, NOT because they are “mean girls.” Understanding this “why” behind the behaviors helps us adults build empathy in order to work together to problem solve the situation the best way can.
pg. 6 Relational aggression includes acts such as: silent treatment, exclusion, backstabbing, rumor spreading, and other such behaviors.
pg. 7 Relational aggression are behaviors that harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.
These are good examples of relational aggression and as you can imagine or maybe remember, can be very hurtful to girls. Just as I discussed above, we have a need for connection, so when that is threatened in any way, girls may resort to the above acts. Or they may be the recipient of the above acts. It is important that we recognize relational aggression and support girls when these acts occur because they are just as hurtful and perhaps even more hurtful than physical aggression.
pg. 7 The question about Anaya: “Is she a “mean girl” for not thinking of excluded girls? No, she is a normal, healthy, typical five-year-old girl trying to navigate the social waters of school life.
Great point made here. She isn’t a mean girl because she engaged in this situation with her peer group, she is just trying to navigate the tricky social waters. She is trying to find her way, the best she knows how. This is a great example of why I hope this book helps everyone form a plan and action to help their daughter realize what is going on, so they feel empowered. I love being at the elementary level because we have an awesome opportunity to intervene early and help the girls see a different way.
pg. 9 “Being excluded has a powerful impact on children.”
There are times in the school year where I work with girls who are feeling excluded and left out because their friend has told them they just want to play with someone else by themselves. The second the other student hears this, they immediately feel the exclusion. When I talk with the girls, I remind them that if they want to play “by themselves with another girl and not include others” that would be good for a play date after school or on the weekends. At school, when we are all together at recess, we have to remember to include everyone. I know that typically, the girls who are saying they want to play by themselves with one other friend aren’t trying to be mean. They simply just want their friend time. However, school and recess aren't the best times to create that opportunity, because then it would be at the cost of excluding others which greatly impacts children.
pg. 12 “...what do you do when the bully is your best friend?”
Wow! What a great question and something to think about. Hopefully the four steps you will learn more about in this book will help with navigating this situation in an empowering way that preserves the friendship.
pg. 13 “Yo-yo friendships - relationships where a young girl’s closest friend is often cruel or exclusionary one day, and again best friends with her the next, yo-yoing her back and forth and leaving her in a swirl of confusing emotions.”
This is a great description of a situation that girls face sometimes. I like there is a term for it, whenever there is a common language, it helps make the conversation more beneficial because there is a shared understanding of what is being discussed.
pg. 16 “Little Girls Can Be Mean is driven by the belief that children learn best in meaningful interactions with those they trust. You will learn how to observe (Step 1), connect (Step 2), guide (Step 3), and support your girls to act (Step 4) in various social circumstances.”
And this is why I love this book...it is based on the belief that children learn best in meaningful situations with those they trust. The trust and connection have to be there, in order for change and understanding to take place. The book will go in depth describing each step and will walk through various situations to practice applying these steps. Practice, practice, practice! We know practice is the only way our brain can remember to do things on it’s own and it becomes second nature to us.
pgs. 18 and 19 "Tips for Girls" box: Create a Journal
These boxes are meant for the girls, of course, you can also choose to read them to your daughter or talk about the activities with her. I hope you take the time to utilize these great opportunities to connect with your daughter in a meaningful way. The first activity invites the girls to create journal that is meant to be a safe space to think, draw, and write. It will give the girls some private space to organize their thoughts and will be a great way to reflect on how they thinking has grown or changed. It encourages the girls to decorate it with pictures or words of things they love and that help them feel great about themselves.
~Mrs. Beck - school counselor at Raymore Elementary
Chapter 2
How Can I Help My Daughter or Student?
Week 2 already! I really like this chapter because it goes through the steps to take when helping the girls through a social problem The great thing is that it is laid out systematically so the plan can be used in any situation. The more it is used the easier it will become and eventually just becomes a natural reaction.
p. 29 "...you can try to spare your child the natural struggles in life, by trying to (over)protect her from every little thing, or you can work to prepare her for them."
I love this statement. Often our first reaction is to take care of the kids and since they don't know what to do, we just want to solve their problem so they aren't upset anymore. It's so important to teach them instead since there won't always be a grownup to fix it for them.
The Four-Step Plan
p. 32 Step 1: Observe
Observing begins even before a problem arises. The book stresses that it is important to begin observing the girls when they are interacting with peers or even just telling us about their day so that we have a baseline to begin with. We can observe the language she uses and her expressions so that we know something is off when a problem occurs.
p. 33 "...observing is the ability to "hear" what your child has not directly told you."
If we know how they react in an everyday situation we will be more likely to pick up when her mannerisms, language, or moods change. It makes it easier to "hear" when there is a problem.
p. 34 Step 2: Connect
The books tells us that the best time to connect is before a situation occurs. Even little changes such as asking questions about the day's social interactions instead of "How was your day?" can bring insights into the girls' lives.
p. 36 "To take advantage of Active Listening, restate a condensed version of what you have heard your child say...without adding your own judgments or introducing new ideas."
Active Listening is a skill that they teach in counseling programs. It is a good way to make sure we have understanding of what the girls are trying to say, but it also helps the girls hear their own ideas said back to them. It takes some practice to not add your own ideas, but it is a powerful tool that lets the girls know you area actually listening and hearing what they are saying.
p. 40 Step 3 : Guide
This step seems to be the most empowering step to me. It allows the girls to brainstorm and come up with solutions to their own problems. I love that Step 3 gives the power back to the girl instead of having the adults fix the problem. The more times they are given the opportunity to think through solutions, the more solutions they should be able to come up with!
p. 44 Step 4: Support to Act "The goal here is to engage in a dialogue about the pros and cons of various possible actions..."
The girls are given the chance to review all their brainstorming ideas in this step. She gets to choose her own solution that she can be comfortable with. How empowering for the girls to be able to create their own path!
p. 47 Role-Playing
I love that the book includes role-playing as part of their plan! Sometimes we forget that the girls may not have the words to fix their problems or have never been in a very uncomfortable situation with a friend. Role-playing gives the girls a chance to hear their words out loud before they have the difficult task of confronting a peer. Practice makes perfect!
~Miss Madras - school counselor at Shull Elementary
Chapter 3
Think, Share, Do... Activity Bank for Part I
In this chapter the authors provide specific ways in which you can and should use the four steps that were introduced in Chapter 2 to work with your daughter. It is noted that the goal is to establish rapport and a feeling of safety and comfort with your daughter. By utilized the four steps and some of the ideas/suggestions mentioned in this chapter the comfort level will increase when discussing issues such as social struggles, relational aggression, and girl bullying. This should, in turn, increase your daughters willingness to discuss these issues with you and you will have the confidence in knowing how to help her handle these struggles.
Observe
Page 56: "The more information you have about your child and how she functions as a social being in the world, the more you can build off the skill set she possesses.
When I know that I will have multiple or long term interactions with students I always make sure I visit them in various environments throughout the school to observe how they act/react in certain situations. This helps me to identify ways in which I can assist them with their goals in school. Before parents are able to help teach girls how to deal with social frustrations it is important for them to do the same. Observations can help provide information that may not otherwise be shared by children and the information gathered can be very useful in helping to identify strategies that will be beneficial for the girls to use when they find themselves in the midst of social struggles.
Connect
Page 58: "An important part of connecting with your child is to see the world from her perspective."
When working on making a connection with children we have to live in their world for a moment. This includes engaging in the things that they enjoy doing so that we can observe what makes them laugh, smile, and feel happy as well as what makes them cry, become angry, and feel sad. Participating in your child's world will also give you insight on how she thinks and ways that she deals with things.
Page 61: "...make an effort to observe and connect by acknowledging and admiring some of your daughter's skills."
The authors mention this as a way to connect with your daughter, and I also think it will help with ensuring positive self esteem and self confidence.
Guide
Page 62: ..."for every one struggle you and your child identify, you will want to help her also find two successes. It is important that she sees herself as capable and competent..."
This is a very important statement made by the authors that I think everyone should remember. We often times want to point out the things that need to be worked on, not in an attempt to put others down, but in an attempt to help them improve. What we have to remember when working with children is that due to the lack of a fully developed brain when we make statements pertaining to their struggles often times all they hear is "you're a failure." This is because we fail to provide them with more successes than struggles. We must remember when guiding our girls to making healthy decisions that we must provide them with the affirmation that we see their successes more than their struggles. This will, in turn help with their self-confidence, and self-esteem.
Support To Act
Page 68: "One way to support your child's ability to navigate social situations is to build up her developing sense of empathy for others.
The authors point out that this should be done in a way that shows support to the girls helping them find ways to modify some of her ideas and thinking to find a middle ground. Teaching girls about empathy doesn't have to mean that we are negating their ideas and suggestions, however. It should actually help teach them to stand up for their ideas and suggestions while also understanding and realizing the passion and care that others may have for their ideas and suggestions. When teaching girls about empathy we are providing them with a skill that will be beneficial in helping them deal with frustrating social situations for a lifetime.
~Mrs. Robinson - school counselor at Peculiar Elementary
Chapter 4
Part II
The Heart of the Matter: Applying the Four Steps to Real Situations Faced by Real Girls
Chapter 4: Side by Side: Best Friends, Worst Enemies
pg. 78 Footnote - Each story tells a specific tale, but it was chosen for its general theme, which is commonly experienced by girls this age. Each identifies universal strategies regardless of how individual situations may differ.
This is my favorite section of the book. As the above footnote describes, it gives examples of common friendship struggles and walks through the four steps of observing, connecting, guiding and supporting. I always learn best when I have examples.
pg. 78 Best friend relationships - often a girl’s entire mood or sense of place in the world is influenced (for good and bad) by the way she feels about her closest friendships. The gift of these close friendships is that the provide tremendous support to your child. The liability is that girls are often cruelest (intentionally and accidentally) to their best friends. ...while we don’t recommend you get mired in that worried place with her, we do recommend you treat her best friend concerns as legitimate. Because, in her world, they are.
I’m sure many of us can relate to this as we reflect on our own personal friendships over the years. Friends are very important to people, we are meant to feel connected to others. In the next examples in the book, you will see how we can help treat the girls’ best friends concerns as legitimate by applying the four steps.
pg. 79 Story - Dealing with a Turf War
This story highlights the struggles children go through when a “simple” friendship fight turns into a turf war between best friends.
pg. 79 Best friend friendship gone awry - a small problem that quickly gets bigger to the point that other kids are caught in the mix.
pg. 79 ..I had much more fun because all they were doing was digging their name with their finger in the dirt. But I still felt really bad because Rachel stole all the friends and let them be in the club but not me.
This statement reminded me that it isn’t about the activity the girls are worried about. As she stated, she had much more fun at what she was playing, but more importantly she was really hurt because she couldn’t be in the “club.” It wasn’t that she wanted to necessarily do what they were doing, but she wanted to feel included.
pg. 81 When our friends treat us badly, we need to stand up for ourselves. Sometimes the outcome is good, sometimes it is not, but either way, we are worthy of respect.
I want to write this in BIG BOLD letters in my room, in the hallways, in the classrooms. What a wonderful reminder for everyone. We need to stand up for ourselves, it may not turn out as we hoped, but we are all worthy of respect. I love this!!!
pg. 82 When girls are well versed in the four steps, they are often able to actualize them on their own, even at a very young age.
Yay!!! The four steps not only helps us as the adults helping, but helps the girls when we aren’t around.
pg. 85 Identify the instigating factor: ...your goal is not to make your own child feel bad, but rather to help her reflect back on a situation that could have been handled differently, with a possibly different outcome.
This is a great opportunity to help build empathy and teach about understanding different perspectives. As stated above, it’s important to still point out that it was not okay how Rachel handled her upset, she could have handled it differently. We use the brain state model of Conscious Discipline to help with this. (click here if you want to learn more about the brain states and click here if you want to go the parent section of the website). In this situation, Rachel was in her Limbic System, the emotional state. When we aren’t in our Prefrontal Lobes, are executive state, we aren’t thinking clearly. Here Rachel (in her emotional state) reacted by excluding her friend when she was mad at her, instead of waiting until she was calm (in her executive state) to respond consciously. In this case, helping Maya understand this could help her realize it wasn’t “about her directly,” it was Rachel being upset that she didn’t have the ability to do something and then reacting to that feeling.
pg. 88 Tips for Girls
Don’t forget to let your daughter read these boxes throughout the book. It could be a great way to connect with her too. The two of you could also read through the examples and talk about what happened and how the characters in the story handled the situation.
pg. 93
Story: When Best Friends Pull Away
This story highlights the struggles children go through when a best friend moves away from the intensity of the friendship.
pgs. 94 & 95 Girls in the early school-age years are just learning how to make and keep sustained friendships. While certain girls will “click” and become “best friends,” most children this age want and need to experience multiple, less intimate friendships. It is very difficult for a child to invest heavily in more than one deep friendship at a time. Often, in order for one to make new friends, she has to first pull away from her close relationship with another, at least temporarily.
This is a good reminder and could be used as a good conversation with the girls.
pg. 105 Story: Yo-Yo Friendships
This story highlights the struggles children go through when they are trapped in yo-yo friendships, where their closest friends do very hurtful things but then balance this out with doing very loving and supportive things.
pg. 112 If you move too quickly from observing to guiding, you lose the necessary connection that allows you to guide your child as part of a team.
pg. 113 ..guide your child to recognize the two side of her friendship - the side that feels really good, and the side that feels really awful (think about making a list of each).
I liked this idea the book suggestion. I can see how this would be helpful in helping the girls identifying on their own that the friendship has some serious limitations.
pg .121 Give your daughter permission to blame the break in the friendship on you. Such as: “I’m sorry I can’t come over today, my mom says I have to practice my piano.”
I remember my mom giving me permission to do this and it was a very helpful tool at times. Being assertive is always an important thing to do, but there are times and certain situations where even the most confident girl struggles with this. This tool is helpful to fall back on when the girl wants to do the right thing, but is struggling with the right words.
~Jenni Beck
Chapter 5
Chapter 5 - Going Along with the Gang
p. 124 Often, within a group, girls are asked to take sides in various arguments, informally determine group leadership, and show loyalty to the group above any individual member.
Everyone wants to belong in a group! Elementary students are just beginning to figure out how to be a part of groups. The girls are still working to discover where they fit in, how to interact, and how to handle conflict. This section is so helpful by giving every day examples of situations younger girls face every day!
When Girls Struggle to Fit In
p. 127 Thus, for the first time, Amelia realizes that she can be an accepted or rejected member of her school community.
I love the reminders in this section about how something as seemingly simple as a Crazy Sock Day can be SO IMPORTANT to the girls! The tips about using the Four Steps to discover the real reason behind her feelings would help the grown up to help the child.
p. 133 Scale the worry down to size.
Some good tips in this section! It's important to help the girls to see the bigger picture and hopefully realize that some worries seem bigger than they actually are. The mismatched barrettes tip box for the girls is a great place to start! It would be helpful to practice thinking "who cares" before a situation arises that gets blown out of proportion.
When Girls Struggle with Feeling "Different"
p. 139 ...the plunge from complete confidence to total despair, from a sense of pride to one of humiliation, from feeling competent to feeling inept. And there is no more certain cause than what your child perceives as a judgment from a friend or an exclusion from a group.
It's so important for girls this age to "fit in" or feel a part of the group. I love the way the book explains the sudden change girls feel. They stress that it happens when the child PERCEIVES a slight. Maybe that wasn't what happened at all, but if the perception is there, it's very difficult to overcome the feelings of rejection.
p. 142 Depersonalize the situation and present alternative perspectives.
The book says to try to help the girls see that there are other reasons why the slight may have happened. I think it's also important to depersonalize the situation for ourselves. It is easy to get caught up in trying to teach kids that everyone is different and we need to respect those differences, but it's also important that the girls learn how to deal with their differences themselves.
When Girls Struggle with Going Along with the Group
p. 151 Around third grade, all children long to be a part of something bigger than themselves, and they want to do it with friends.
Everyone wants to belong, This can lead to a lot of good things like having people to support us all the time, but it comes with some drama sometimes when it becomes an issue going against the group or wanting to change "the rules".
p. 154 While standing one's ground is risky...the benefits of building this type of "backbone" during elementary school are immense.
It's hard to stand your ground against a group! Developing those skills in the girls early will help them later when even bigger issues present themselves. Page 157 gives a good example of dialogue to use to help encourage that behavior. And practice, practice, practice! Practicing using assertive words before there is an issue helps when there actually is a time to use assertiveness!
When the Group Turns Against Your Child
p. 166 Foresight is 20/20
Knowing your child's social stories can help you to have open, frank discussions with her about group dynamics if you notice a problem arising. It's often easier for grown ups to see or sense an issue than the children because we have experienced or seen it happen before.
p. 172-176 Support to Act
I love all the suggestions given about what to do to help the girls to choose whether to stay or move on. It's hard to see anyone shut out of their group, but helping her to find the power and gain the knowledge that the next move is HER choice is empowering even for the adult!
~Becky Madras - school counselor at Shull Elementary
Chapter 6
This chapter is full of scenarios and examples of potential issues/conflicts that school-aged girls face. With these examples the book discusses how to use the Four Steps to help girls face these conflicts and begin the process of resolution. I will use the first example to discuss how the four steps can be used. It is important to note that this chapter emphases that we must recognize that all girls can be mean, not all girls are mean. As adults who are guiding these girls when we do recognize a girl that has done mean things that we don't automatically equate that with labeling her as a bully, but that we work with her to teach her the skills that will help her successfully express herself in an assertive manner.
Pg. 179 - "The goal is to help your daughter find a way to be both kind and tough at the same time - to be assertive. Being assertive means being sweet and considerate mixed with being tough and determined."
Teaching girls to be assertive instead of mean is very important when teaching them about how to deal with conflicts with other girls. Often times they want to just stand up for themselves but because they have not been guided on what that looks in an assertive and not an aggressive manner they often rely on their first instinct which is inadvertently some form of aggression. It is our job as adults to help them distinguish between the two so that they don't come off as the "mean girl" when they are simply trying to stand up for themselves.
Applying the Four Steps:
Observe - Pg. 184 - "Having a more comprehensive view of the situation would have helped him find the best means to connect, and the most appropriate ways to guide and support..."
When we are preparing to use the four steps to guide girls in resolving their conflicts with others it is always important that we take the time to observe the situation fully and completely. This includes actively listening, finding out about active role she played, noticing how they interact with others, and thinking about other aspects of her life that could affect her current feelings and actions. As noted at the beginning of the book when we take the time to step back and observe we allow ourselves to gather important information that can assist in helping girls with their conflicts.
Connect: Pg. 185-186 - "Celebrate the connection you have... but make it stronger."
Talking with others about how happy you are that you have a wonderful connection with them will make them feel understood and comfortable. Making connections with girls (and boys for that matter) help them open up more about what they are dealing with and provide you with more information and insight into how they are feeling and what would be the best way you could help them. When you have a strong connection with your daughters they open up and allow you more of an opportunity to work with them on facing difficult issues that they face. It is important not to become complacent with the connection that you do have however, even if it is a strong one. Making the connection stronger will be beneficial in helping your daughter learn how to come to you when the situation is "little" instead of when it gets "big." This, in turn, will help you to be able to help her rectify the situation before it becomes a "big deal."
Guide: Pg. 186 - "Don't forget the power of play in the lives of young children."
Using fantasy play with your daughters can prove to be very helpful in determining what is going on with them, what they are dealing with, and how they handle situations/conflicts. As a counselor I use fantasy play with children often because it is something that they are comfortable with and provides an easy way of expression for them. Sometimes direct interaction with deter girls from wanting to share their experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc., so my engaging in play with them you help them feel more comfortable and willing to share information through role-play.
The Three R's:
Pg. 189-190 - Recognize, Be Responsible, Rectify:
One of the most important aspects of teaching girls how to solve their own issues and problems is teaching them how to identify their role in the situation. The book offers these three steps that girls should take when girls act meanly towards others (whether it be on purpose or unintentional). By having girls recognize their mistake we are teaching her to identify her role. By encouraging girls to be responsible for their actions we are helping them learn how to own up to their decisions and to avoid denying their role. By having girls rectify what they can we are teaching them to apologize for their actions, and listen to their friend's feelings. This last step is helpful when I statements are used because they provide key points of information to the other person about how they utilized the three R's to identify their role in the conflict and take responsibility for it.
Support to Act: Pg. 193 - "Help the girls explain to one another how they've been feeling. The goal is to encourage each girl to speak, and to be heard and respected by the other.
Once you get to Step Four you are ready to support your daughter with acting in a manner conducive to effectively addressing the conflict. There is a lot of preparation that can take place in order to support her during this step and we have to remember that it is important that we continue to have that connection and guidance that we have established and utilized with them once they get to this step.
~ Latasha Robinson - school counselor at Peculiar Elementary
Chapter 7 - Think, Share, Do Activity Bank for Part II
One of my favorite parts of this book are the activities the author's suggest to go along with each of the four steps.
I loved all the of the activities. Below are some additional thoughts I had regarding some of the activities shared.
Tips for Girls: Feeling Powerful (pgs. 230--231)
This box for the girls suggest they ask you to share a few stories written in the book where the power isn't equal. As you read the stories, I am sure they are thinking in their minds similar friendship situations they have encountered. Opening the discussion where they can identify unequal power in "fake" scenarios, will help them identify it in their own "real" situations.
Be a Fly on the Wall pg. 231
"The goal is not to interfere with your daughter's playdates or friendship experiences; it is simply to be present enough that you know the kids of things that go on in the individual or group dynamics. Observing in this way will give you invaluable information about your child, as well as about the children she chooses as friends."
You really can learn a lot from this strategy. I do this at school by observing group work during my classroom lessons, lunchroom activity, Specials, and recess. When a pair or group are having a hard time with one another, I observe for a bit to try to understand the dynamic so I can better help guide and support.
Valuing Persistence pg. 232-233
"Girls can sometimes feel like the world is ending when they suffer a social setback or a friendship failure."
This is so important to remember! Some adults may or may not be able to think back to when they were their daughter's age and how friendship problems felt like the end of the world, maybe for some they didn't view friendship problems like this at all. But, we have to remember when supporting the girls that we validate their concern and hear their concerns. I liked how in this activity it guides the adult to recognize this struggle with their daughter and remind them that these challenges are hard, but somehow people always get passed the challenges. It can help by reminding her of previous friendship struggles, how she handled them, and how it got resolved.
Bravery Book pg. 235-236
This is a great idea to help build up strength and self esteem in the girls. I loved the suggestion of asking your daughter about one brave thing she did today during dinner time. This helps her recognize the strength she has every day, so she can refer back to that strength when she doesn't feel like she has any left.
Identifying Manipulation in Yo-Yo Friendships pgs. 241- 243
This section gives helpful strategies in helping a girl who is stuck in the tricky situation of a Yo-Yo friendship.
Plan B pg. 244
I can see this being a useful part of a morning discussion during breakfast or in the car on the way to school. Help empower the girls to think of a second plan if something at recess doesn't feel right to the girls. Discussing this ahead of time will help her be more likely to carry it out if need be.
Empowering Ostracized Girls pgs. 248-249
Everyone has the need to feel connected. As the adults in the girls' lives we have to recognize when the girls feel alone and find opportunities for them to reconnect. This may mean planning family outings and letting her choose the plans. Or getting involved in an activity outside of school that helps her make new friends that don't necessarily go to school with her too.
Imagine the Worst pg. 249-250
"Sometimes girls are hesitant to act more bravely because they worry about the worst. Rather than try to convince your child otherwise, support her to think through, or act out , the worse case scenario."
Combating Loneliness pg. 252
"Stories are a powerful way to help girls connect to their emotions, talk about tough issues, and realize they are not alone. When girls identify with characters in novels, it provides the perfect framework to talk about issues, without having to take them so personally. "
~ Jenni Beck
Chapter 8 and Appendices
This is it! Last week of the book study. Thank you to everyone for choosing to make this journey with us and to commit to helping our girls to prepare for friendships and struggles rather than trying to spare them from the struggles.
Chapter 8 focuses on continued use of the Four Steps in helping your daughter to navigate the social waters as she grows older and encounters new and different friendship issues.
p. 256-257 The Difference Between "Younger" and "Older" Girls
Using the Four Steps will look a bit different with the younger (K-2) girls than with the older (grades 3+) girls. Younger girls tend to have hurt feelings due to ego-centrism and not yet knowing how to interact appropriately. They are still learning how to be social and need more guidance. The older girls are learning social manipulation and hurt feelings come from different places. Helping them to work in a group instead of always needing to lead the group will become more important.
p. 257-259 Not Racing to Grow Up
I feel like everyone has experienced at some point, either within themselves or seeing it with the kids, the desire to "grow up quickly." I really like this section as it gives tips on how to have a conversation with your daughter that does not dismiss that desire, but builds parameters that she can grow within.
p. 259-262 Facing All Kinds of Issues, Together
This section stresses the importance of continuing your work with the Four Steps as your daughter gets older and faces other, potentially bigger and more damaging, issues with friends or even within your family. The earlier we can begin to build those relationships with the girls, the easier it will be to help them through struggles as they get older.
Using the Four Steps will not automatically change your daughter's relationships, but continued use will give us the practice and consistency to help them to navigate any issues they might face as they grow up.
Appendix 1
This appendix is full of situations that are fairly common among girls trying to determine how to function as part of a group, It's important to think to ourselves and change the way we see bullying. We need to ask - Is it intentional? Does the target perceive the other participants to have more power than her? Is it repeated over time? Or is it a case of girls not understanding how to be in a group and they just need guidance?
Appendix 2
This appendix is great for using with your daughter to role-play situations that she might face at some point. What could she do? What words could she use? We work on using "I-statements" at school.
"I don't like it when you_____________. It makes me feel ___________. Next time please ______________."
It is a good activity to begin to have them express their feelings!
~Becky Madras - school counselor at Shull Elementary